Wading Through Sand

         

THE CAST:

         Sultan (Saluki), our hero, Royal (of course)

         DivaDog (Toy Poodle), spends her days perfecting her breed attributes      

         Sergeant Major Beagle (Beagle Hound), loud, a military-dog          

                                   

It was going to be one of those desert days when the sun would never break through the clouds of sand picked up by the swirling wind. Sultan didn’t mind such days as he had hairy ears and long eyelashes which stopped the dust from getting anywhere important.

As he trotted along sniffing the scrub and noting the messages left by earlier visitors, he wondered whether he might encounter Sergeant Major Beagle – a somewhat portly hound, who smelt rather ‘high’, and who had the habit of shouting orders like a machine gun being discharged. Sultan concentrated on a particularly dry piece of desert grass and concluded that Sergeant Major Beagle was definitely in the area, estimating that he’d passed that way only a few minutes ago.

Sultan lifted his nose into the wind and inhaled slowly, being careful not to take deep breaths to avoid getting his nostrils full of sand. Nothing conclusive, he decided, and walked on.

No sooner had he rounded the next corner than he saw DivaDog mincing towards him. 

‘Well-hello-there’ crooned the lady, fluttering her lashes, a habit Sultan had previously noticed and which had nothing to do with the prevailing weather and everything to do with flirtation.

Sultan, by nature detached and disinterested, became more so in her company, so as to give no encouragement to her male-eating tendencies.

‘Good morning, DivaDog’ he replied, bowing slightly, allowing a cursory sweep of his regal nose across her curly muzzle.

It was rumoured that her breed name was LA Lady (a la Los Angeles)  – Sultan suspected that the source of the rumour was the Poodle herself, so he’d chosen in the past to let this piece of information pass unacknowledged; a sort of refusal to become her poodle, as it were.  Certainly he considered her Hollywood-aspirational , if only because of the way she dressed and yapped. And she pretentiously called her collar her ‘bling-ring’ - a somewhat flashy piece of kit - diamante hearts on pink leather.

‘I’ve-just-seen-Sergeant-Major-Beagle’ she yapped, all one sentence.

Sultan winced as the pitch always offended his ears, making him want to howl which he had, so far, managed to resist.

‘Yes’, he replied, ‘I’ve picked up he’s around. I’m surprised you’re out today in this weather.’

‘Well,-have-to-see-my-therapist-then-going-to-have-a-pedicure.-Have-added-the-poodle-parlour-to-the-list-of-to-do’s-this-sand-ruins-my-coiffeur’.

DivaDog came to an abrupt halt as she delicately rubbed her left eye with her front paw.

‘This-weather -makes-me-frown,’ she continued, ‘ so-aaageing...’ she trilled.

Sultan attempted to look sympathetic. Of his many expressions – he calculated that he’d reached twenty which were accomplished – ‘sympathy’ was still a work-in-progress. Still, he mused, DivaDog was unlikely to notice this amateur-ish attempt as she was so self-absorbed he wondered that she needed eyes looking outward at all.

‘How is Sergeant Major Beagle?’ Sultan enquired, diplomatically moving on.

‘Who-knows, who-knows,’ shrilled DivaDog, ‘he-soooo-frightens-me-I-crossed-the-road-and-waved-from-a-distance.-Even-in-this-sandstorm-I-could-hear-him-barking-instructions.-Something-about-turning-around-and-walking-backwards-so-the-sand-wouldn’t-sting-the-face.’

Just on cue, through the gloom and in line with DivaDog’s pom-pom tail, Sultan caught sight of Sergeant Major Beagle advancing, backwards, in their direction. He momentarily weighed up whether to mention this to DivaDog, which meant that their meeting would be brought to an abrupt end, or whether to allow Sergeant Major Beagle to arrive, unannounced, which meant that he could have some sport; not least that Sergeant Major Beagle was on target to reverse right into DivaDog’s fine rump.

Deciding to let Fate take its course, Sultan, not nick-named ‘SightHound’ for nothing, trained his gaze on Sergeant Major Beagle’s ample bottom and waited for the mayhem.

DivaDog, meanwhile, sensing that she’d lost Sultan’s attention – unreliable at the best of times – delicately turned to see what he was looking at. The timing could not have been worse, or better, depending upon your viewpoint – and on the scale of ring-side seats, Sultan’s couldn’t have been better! Just as DivaDog lined up to enjoy the view which Sultan was taking in, Sergeant Major Beagle, gaining speed in reverse from a slight downward incline, careered full tilt into DivaDog, taking her salon-painted toes right out from under her. Sergeant Major Beagle came to a complete stop sitting on DivaDog’s head.

‘Good Heavens, Man!’ he barked, looking over his shoulder at Sultan. ‘This walking backwards lark needs some fine-tuning, methinks. Can never be sure that you’re going to see obstacles, eh what? Still, at least it was a soft landing – can be sure of that in this perishing sand! Was just telling DivaDog to walk backwards – not sure she’ll master it like I have on those girlie pins......still, no use selling it to you, Sultan, my boy, as you’re bred for the desert anyway, eh?’

Sultan, ever the gentleman and stifling the urge to howl with laughter, moved forward to assist Sergeant Major Beagle back on his feet and rescue DivaDog at the same time.

Instantaneously, the air was filled with more than sand. Barking and yapping rose above the whoosh of the wind and Sultan would swear, when recounting the incident later, that he even caught sight of what DivaDog paid so much money for at the Canine Dentist!

Mortified, DivaDog was calling Sergeant Major Beagle’s pedigree into question as 'no gentleman would treat a lady with such disrespect'. Sergeant Major Beagle,  ever on a short fuse, responded to the effect that, as there was no lady present she needn’t be so precious.

Sultan busied himself with calming DivaDog’s ruffled coat, no mean task as he found it difficult to decide whether her fur was crumpled because of the experience, or scrunched deliberately!

Sergeant Major Beagle’s outburst finished as suddenly as it had started. He was a dog on a mission; this manoeuvre obviously needed more practice and attention, and there was no time to be dithering here when operations had to be finalised. So with a vigorous must-get-back-to-business shake, he lined himself up and continued on his way, backwards.

Sultan waved airily as Sergeant Major Beagle disappeared into the enveloping gloom and, after making sure DivaDog was fit to face her day of beauty treatments, took his leave in the opposite direction, going forwards.


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